Advice

The fear of commitment, or the dilemma of choosing a life partner is one of the issues that I deal with most often in my Surrey counselling rooms. It seems to be a huge issue in this day and age of dating sites (or candy stores, as some people call them).  Have you been caught up in the pick ‘n mix and unable to make up your mind, or been disappointed over and over again? Do you keep getting involved with the wrong partner?
Or have you ended up in a relationship with  somebody simply because they were ‘there’ and available, and you were perhaps feeling lonely?
Or are you waiting for a fairy tale? Do your expectations exceed what normal life is able to provide?  Do you often flit from relationship to relationship because only the initial “limerance” phase is appealing to you, and once a relationship settles down to more mundane life, or you begin to see that your partner is not quite so perfect, you  leave for more romantic and exciting pastures?
All of us have a notion of our value in the mating market place of romantic relationships and in sizing up potential lovers or marriage partners, while we might dream of George Clooney or Jennifer Lopez, in reality we go for people we consider to have roughly the same attractiveness value as ourselves. In doing so, it is not only looks that are factored into the equation: personality, status and wealth also matter. We may be prepared to trade a slightly bigger belly than we might ideally want in a partner for their charm or ability to make us feel loved.
However, what men and women see as tradable differs, and this also depends on how serious the relationship is, if two studies of 400 New Zealand students are to be believed.
Overall women placed greater importance on the warmth and trustworthiness of a potential mate, and on wealth and status. This was nine times stronger if the woman was being asked to consider the mate as marriage material rather than for a one-night stand.
On the other hand, if forced to choose between a partner who was warm but poor rather than rich and cold, both men and women were equally likely to opt for the lovable loser.
Likewise, there was no gender difference if forced to choose between ‘warm but unattractive’ versus ‘cold and stunning’. If a long-term relationship was on offer, they nearly all preferred warmth to looks but if it was a brief fling, shallow beings that we are, looks prevailed.
So how do we choose? In choosing a partner to spend our lives with, we need to take into account certain fundamentals:
Mutual Agenda – do they want the same thing? Is it about growing old together? Is it about exciting sex? Having children? Creating wealth and security? Having fun? It may seem to you that your partner must obviously want what you do, but that simply isn’t true. It needs to be discussed and communicated so that your expectations are clearly the same. Where your mutual agenda differs, heartbreak is sure to follow in some way.
Love Language – (see above). It is vitally important that you accept your partners love language and can cope if it isn’t the same as yours. Think carefully. I am a words person – I thought I could live without them but after first two and then 22 years of feeling lonely within a relationship, I discovered I simply didn’t want to! Physical Touch

Love Relationships – Exactly How Are You Aware In Case A Partner Is Right To Suit Your Needs ?